Sylvia A. Winters

If a cat is thrown a lemon, he builds a log cabin and spends the summer in Canada

Posts Tagged ‘pets

The Sorry Tale of the Panda

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A word of advice for you all: Never, ever trust a panda. Especially if he (or she, I don’t want to sexist here!) is smoking a pipe. It doesn’t matter what kind of pipe, tobacco, crack, whatever. A panda with a pipe is a panda with a pipe no matter the minor details.

I once had the sad misfortune to come across a panda with a pipe. My car had broken down in the pouring rain and the nearest building was a slightly dilapidated looking bar by the name of ‘Cuthbert’s’. I walked in, hoping to borrow the use of their phone, and thought that while I was at it I ought to buy a drink, because I was rather thirsty.

So I ordered my half-glass of tomato juice and sat at the bar sipping it, glad to be out of the rain and hoping that my hair didn’t look too atrocious.

After a couple of minutes, this panda came and sat down on the stool beside mine and ordered a whiskey. He brought out his pipe and started puffing away at it. Now, I didn’t take much notice of him until he leaned in toward me and said “I hear you got car trouble,” in very gruff, deep tones, rather like the new batman voice of Phil Mitchell from Eastenders.

“Why, yes,” I said, nodding. “I broke down not ten minutes ago. I haven’t any idea what’s wrong with it.”

And he told me that he was a mechanic, and would take a look for me. So I abandoned the last of my tomato juice and he swigged the last of his whiskey and we headed back out into the rain.

He took my keys from me and tried the engine. He lifted the bonnet and rummaged around for a bit, and when he tried the engine again, it ran as smooth as a glass of Bailey’s.

I made to thank him, and take the keys back, but before I could he shut the car door and took off. Just like that, in my lovely little Ford Anglia.

I have seen neither hide nor hair of this fiend since, and I fear that my darling car is lost forever.

I spoke to the barman and he said that the panda was a renowned car thief, and that I ought not to have trusted him. Well, I was pretty angry at that, because he saw me talking to the panda, and he never said a word to me!

I tell you this tragic tale in the hope that my sore misfortune will warn others to take care against the danger of such creatures, and to prevent it happening to them.

Beware, readers. We must be extra vigilant.

Written by Sylvia A. Winters

September 7, 2010 at 10:44 pm

The White Kitten

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Billy and Margaret hold hands whilst walking in the park.

Billy feeds the ducks and Margaret stares into the water, watching their reflections.

Billy and Margaret kiss by the side of the road, ignoring the amused beeps from passing cars.

Billy and Margaret are walking home one night, when Margaret sees at the side of the road a small, white kitten.

Billy suggests they take it home and so Margaret picks it up and carries it close to her, then lays down a saucer of milk once they’re inside.

Billy makes up a bed for the kitten, and then he and Margaret sit on the sofa together and watch it leap about the living room.

When Billy and Margaret are fast asleep in bed, the kitten creeps into their room, edging the door open with a tiny, white paw.

Billy’s snoring annoys the kitten, who was trying to sleep, so the kitten leaps up on to the bed and swipes a claw at his face.

Billy screams. The kitten mewls and claws at him over and over.

Margaret awakes to the sound of Billy screaming. She turns over, and thinking he’s had a nightmare, she turns on the lamp and goes to shake him awake.

Then it is Margaret screaming, for Billy is torn to shreds, a bloodied mess at her side, the white sheets soaked with blood.

The kitten sits there, licking its blood-stained paws with a tiny, pink tongue, its blue eyes bright in the lamplight..

Written by Sylvia A. Winters

August 23, 2010 at 4:58 am

A Guide for Keeping Dog-Seal Hybrids

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The dog-seal hybrid is a great pet, so long as you understand its needs and are able to communicate effectively with it. Understand that your dog-seal is an individual. What I might prescribe here may not be fit for your own dog. This guide is merely an outline for new hybrid owners.

1) Bathing. Make sure they’re bathed regularly. If you do not do this they will not only stink like Mary Magdalene’s vagina, their skin will become dry and flakey and they will become despondent.

2) Feeding. Feed them only once daily. As a pup you can feed them more, but try to get this down to just one meal only by the time they are 9 months old. They love dog-food, but a bit of fish is a brilliant way to treat them. I feed my dog-seal a small amount of fish (varying between salmon, cod, and herring) once a week. More than this is too frequent and they will grow accustomed to being fed in such a manner, but less than is perfectly acceptable, although it is nice to make your pet happy on a regular basis.

3) Collars. Don’t enforce the wearing of a collar. Whilst this item is common wear for dogs, seals are not usually kept as pets, and your dog-seal may be offended by the restrictions of such a thing. There are dog-seals (I know of one) who enjoy the collaring, but most just aren’t into this kind of bondage and will strongly object if you try it. If your dog-seal doesn’t mind the collar, then you can leave it on him, but chances are that the introduction of this item as a puppy will not take. You can try, just don’t expect positive results.

4) Ice-cream. Ice-cream is not an acceptable treat. Dog-seals will always be begging you for some as you eat it, but for their own good you must ignore them. Likewise with both chocolate and chickpeas. However, yoghurt is a nice way of showing your dog-seal that you love them.

5) Cats. Most dogs hate cats, but seals rather like them. If you introduce your new dog-seal to your feline friends slowly and carefully, there should be no animosity between them. If your dog-seal is male, you will need to watch it, because they can become very aroused by cats and wont hold back their affection. I once had a dainty little moggy who died from shock shortly after a rigorous bumming from my dog-seal.

6) Mental illness. Dog-seals are at a much higher risk of mental illness than either dogs or seals. This is thought to be due to confusion over their special identity. My own dog-seal often becomes depressed, and takes no interest in either fish, yoghurt or ice-cream. Not even bathing will cheer him up. In this instance it is necessary to both A) give your dog-seal its own space and B) make sure you cater for its every need. If it peeks an interest in the slightest of activities or objects, encourage this. However, depression is not the only mental ailment that afflicts dog-seals. Both schizophrenia and kleptomania are common. Symptoms are similar to those found in humans, but you must be extra attentive in the case of your pet. Do not make the mistake of assuming that your pet is ill however, as a self-fulfilling-prophecy may occur, or a mis-diagnoses resulting in your dog-seal receiving unsuitable medication.

7) Walking. Dog-seals like their walks, but due to their short legs they can not go very far. Younger dogs may be able to manage an hour’s walk, but as they get older too much exercise will be harmful to them. I take my dog-seal out for 20-40 minutes each day, unless it is raining, in which case he will sit down and refuse to move. Dog-seals also hate the heat, or any extreme weather.

8) Staring. Do not be alarmed when you’re dog-seal stares at you for long periods of time without respite. This is normal, although it can be very frustrating and a little creepy for your guests. You may want to return this stare and show your pet just who’s boss, but although it will result in a break from the staring, this break will be brief and your dog-seal will begin again, in a matter of minutes working his way up from furtive glances to a no-pretense, wide-eyed stare.

9) Attack! Dog-seals are most usually a grumpy sort of lot, therefore it is essential to be careful about introducing them to new people. If the dog-seal growls, take it as a warning and not as an act of viciousness. Each dog-seal may have a particular type of person that it hates more than others. My own dog-seal quite likes elderly people, but despises children. Anyone that touches before asking, or ignores my warnings about my pet’s temperament (this happens more often than one might think) can be sure of a nice set of teeth-marks about their wrist.

10) Love. Despite all the incredibly annoying little traits that dog-seals possess, they will love their owner(s) unconditionally, and whilst they are a cowardly sort and can’t be relied upon to defend their owners from attack in case of mugging, rape or verbal abuse, they will help in any way they can when their owner is drowning, suffocating or has tripped over a loose wire. If your dog-seal is male and unneutered, beware. They love a good leg-humping session, and wont be inclined to stop once they get going.  This is a sign of the highest affection, but often an unwelcome one. They are the perfect pets for children (for they love their own child owners regardless of any possible hatred of other children) and the elderly, and indeed for any person.

The dog-seal, whilst being a strange and enigmatic creature, is undoubtedly the most affectionate and adoring. Perfect for all ages, sizes and sexual orientations.

Written by Sylvia A. Winters

August 9, 2010 at 8:43 pm