Sylvia A. Winters

If a cat is thrown a lemon, he builds a log cabin and spends the summer in Canada

Archive for July 2011

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A great many people write to me to tell me about the strange things that have happened to them. Every day I receive bags of post and always every letter I open bears a similar story.

Yes, you guessed it. Chupacabra attacks have been on the rise since 2009. Every day a person is mauled by one. Some escape with their lives, others aren’t as lucky. Now, the thing about chupacabras is that their teeth are not only very good for cutting up steaks with, but can be sold for a good deal of money, almost enough to cover your medical costs if you’re without insurance or the NHS.

Chupacabras are really very easy creatures to beat. Just make sure you carry a decent sized feather (i.e. crow, pigeon, sea-gull or larger) with you at all times, and you will be well prepared for that attack. Now, chupacabras have a tough,┬áscaly┬ábody, but the flesh below their throat is as soft as a baby’s backside. Just tickle this soft spot with the feather and the chupacabra will seize up with laughter; its breathing will be restricted and if you keep tickling it for long enough, it will die. Then you can scrape off the scales and pull out the teeth and sell them on for a pretty good price.

Now, hopefully you will all take heed and I won’t have to spend so much of my time reading the same old crap.

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Written by Sylvia A. Winters

July 20, 2011 at 12:00 am

You Don’t Know Where I’ve Been!

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You are probably wondering why such a long break between my last post and the one before it. Well, I’ll tell you. Listen well, dear readers, keep your ears, your eyes, your hearts and minds open.

It’s none of your god damn business, okay? It certainly has nothing to do with hunting down a certain panda for revenge and even less to do with ending up lost in a forest in China. I wasn’t living off insects and I certainly didn’t have to cuddle up to a mangy rabbit for warmth at nights.

Written by Sylvia A. Winters

July 17, 2011 at 10:06 pm

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The Sock Beast

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I was hunting under my bed for my the left half of my favourite pair of socks this morning, when I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my hand. I pulled my hand out from under the bed and there in my smooth white flesh was a reddened set of teeth marks! Understandably I was quite miffed, so I pulled up my bed and stood it on its side, and there before my very eyes rose up a terrifying monster, assembled out of my own socks! This beast must have been born when a couple of odd socks had made their way into the safe, footless fortress of the underneath of my bed, and had pulled other socks towards it over the years. Now it stood six foot tall with horrible sharp teeth and horns!

How did I combat the horrifying monster? Simple. I made my own beast out of the other socks that had been left to sit alone in the drawer and they fought to the death. Naturally, my friendly beast won as it was younger, fitter and hadn’t been spending all its life breathing in dust and cobwebs.

So if you’re ever attacked by a disgusting sock monster, you now know what to do.

Written by Sylvia A. Winters

July 15, 2011 at 7:57 pm